


you think you call the shots

by mazily



Category: Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-01
Updated: 2012-12-01
Packaged: 2017-11-19 23:23:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/578772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mazily/pseuds/mazily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The universe snaps back into place. With a kickass dubstep beat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you think you call the shots

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aphrodite_mine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aphrodite_mine/gifts).



> Thanks to Luna for the music, the edits, and the funny. Title from P!nk.
> 
> Written for aphrodite_mine for femslash12.

[COVER PAGE:

TALL SLUT NO PANTIES in bright red type, & STRONG BOWLING GIRL TALKS A LOT in a tasteful pink just below it. 

Strong Bowling Girl Talks a Lot stands in the background; Tall Slut No Panties dances while pouring Dom Perignon into her wide open mouth straight from the bottle, a backup bottle or two in her other hand. There's also a disco ball.]

*

**Previously :**

Strong Bowling Girl Talks a Lot kills Tall Slut No Panties on a Tuesday. On Wednesday, they go dancing. On Thursday, everyone turns into a jelly-fish, and things get crazy for a couple of weeks.

The universe snaps back into place. With a kickass dubstep beat.

*

[TITLE PAGE. THE ADVENTURES OF **TALL SLUT NO PANTIES** & STRONG BOWLING GIRL TALKS A LOT.

Story by Patrick Kelly. Illustrated by Patrick Kelly. Colored by Patrick Kelly.]

*

**Now :**

"No," Strong Bowling Girl Talks a Lot says. She's polishing her bowling ball--not a euphemism for masturbating in the bathtub, Tall Slut No Panties was disappointed to discover--on the coffee table. The polish smells rank. Chinese food left out for three days in August rank.

"Yes," Tall Slut No Panties says. 

They stare at each other. The bowling ball sparkles. Strong Bowling Girl Talks a Lot _blah blah blahs_ a bunch of stuff about responsibility, or being your own person, or the difference between a strike and a spare. Her lipgloss shimmers. Tall Slut No Panties focuses on that.

Strong Bowling Girl licks her upper lip. Frowning in concentration.

Tall Slut No Panties stands. Her breasts stand too, and Strong Bowling Girl Talks a Lot totally doesn't stare. Definitely doesn't blush as pink as her bowling ball, pinker than her shirt. She does bite her lower lip, though, drawing blood.

"You should dye your hair pink," Tall Slut No Panties says. She bounces. Strong Bowling Girl looks down; her bowling ball rolls off the table and onto the hardwood with an ominous crack. "I'll help!"

"No," Strong Bowling Girl says. Tall Slut No Panties pulls out her phone and calls in a delivery from Duane Reed. (They don't have pink hair dye, but "red plus blonde must make--"

_"No."_

"No," Tall Slut No Panties says, "Never mind." She cancels the order.)

*

**Earlier, but after the jelly-fish (a flashback) :**

"I hate you," Tall Slut No Panties says. "You killed me with your bowling ball, and I hate you."

A tentacled couple wearing nothing but glittery feathered headdresses half-dances, half-fucks, their way across the room. There's a call for more sake. A woman rides an elephant out into the street.

"No, I knocked you out with my bowling ball," Strong Bowling Girl says. "You were never officially declared dead. Heck, you drank an entire bottle of Stoli, like, five minutes after you woke up."

"Potatoes," Tall Slut No Panties says.

Strong Bowling Girl bangs her head against the bar. Tall Slut No Panties slides a shot glass full of something clear in her direction. Strong Bowling Girl's hand darts out to catch it--no thought, no planning, just _voosh_.

They drink. The music changes from pop to dance. 

*

[AD FOR CAM, EM, BERT, AND ERNIE: AN INDEPENDENT COMIC ABOUT CHEESE, POLYAMORY, & LIFE--COMING OUT IN 2013! BUY IT AT A COFFEESHOP/BOOKSTORE NEAR* YOU!

*If you live in Brooklyn. No, not that part of Brooklyn.]

*

**Now :**

They fight crime. They fight the crimes of boredom, suburbia, and CBS police procedurals.

"Shitagi Nashi!" yells Tall Slut No Panties. She swings a pair of Calvin Klein boxer briefs above her head. Tosses them out a conveniently open window. (Pan down to street level, and a medium-ish, normal-ish, man in a business suit says, "What the--hey!" when they graze his head.)

"I don't know if we should," Strong Bowling Girl says. She wears a pair of glasses in one frame, but they disappear before the next one. "My strong work ethic is one of my defining characteristics, after all, and you should clean or get a job."

Tall Slut No Panties looks at her like she's made entirely of synthetic fabrics. "Being awesome is my job," she says. "Now pass me that bottle of mezcal--smuggled directly to me by a friend of a friend of that Mexican soccer guy, you know, from that team--before your strong work ethic turns it into water."

"...," Strong Bowling Girl says. "That's not how strong--no, never mind, not going there."

"You know it," Tall Slut No Panties says. She snaps her fingers in a Z, a trail of sparks following the path of her hand. "That was totally post-ironic Tyra, by the way."

"No it wasn't," Strong Bowling Girl says. 

Tall Slut No Panties drinks. She flings herself into the nearest chair, lying across it like Cleopatra (as played by young Liz Taylor). She doesn't pass her bottle to Strong Bowling Girl. Her right shoe falls off, so she kicks the left one off too.

*

**Another flashback, later the night of the tentacled couple :**

The tiger is bigger than a Humvee, and twice as scary. Its eyes glow green. 

Tall Slut No Panties finishes off the rest of her drink, and smashes the bottle on the edge of the bar. Strong Bowling Girl grabs her bowling ball from the bag at her feet. The nod at each other. Turn to fight.

Beyoncé counts down. 

"Fortuitous song choice," Strong Bowling Girl says.

"Who let the tiger in the club?" Tall Slut No Panties asks. "He or she should be fired. Fired so hard that she or he would ask for more."

The tiger rears back on its hind legs--"can tigers do that?" Strong Bowling Girl asks, "isn't that a horse thing?"; Tall Slut No Panties just glares and slaps her broken bottle against one hand a couple of times--and roars. 

Tall Slut No Panties throws the bottle against the wall (a short man in pinstripes picks up a shard of glass and licks it, just to feel closer to Tall Slut No Panties). Pulls a lasso from under her skirt. The tiger freezes. Strong Bowling Girl lifts her bowling ball. 

"Tall Slut No Panties is awesome," someone says.

"I want to be her," says someone else. "Or be with her or both _at the same time_."

Tall Slut No Panties rides the tiger around the club, pulling the most handsome and beautiful people in the club up to ride with her. The tiger breathes fire. The music gets louder. Tall Slut No Panties makes out with three people at once.

"I can see up her skirt," someone says.

"Skirt lift!" says another. "Aw, yeah."

Strong Bowling Girl pulls herself up onto the bar. When the tiger passes nearby, she jumps.

*

[AD FOR STRONG BOWLING GIRL TALKS A LOT: A NEW SERIES BY PATRICK KELLY, THE CREATOR OF TALL SLUT NO PANTIES. COMING SOON TO A COMIC STORE NEAR YOU.

www.patrickkellycomics.com]

*

**Now, for real :**

"We're friends, right?" Strong Bowling Girl asks. Her cheeks are flushed, and her nose scrunches up like a cartoon chipmunk when she tries to be serious. "I think I'm drunk."

"Here," Tall Slut No Panties says. She pulls a bottle out from under her chair. "Have some--ick, it's called House Red, I don't know why I. Oh, right, that girl from November 2011. Such a shame."

Strong Bowling Girl stands up. Trips over a strategically placed throw pillow (they don't own any throw pillows, not after the epic pillow wars) and lands half on Tall Slut No Panties's chair and half on the floor, hands on Tall Slut No Panties's thighs for balance. 

"Shit," Strong Bowling Girl says. Her fingers twitch. "I mean-"

"Oh," Tall Slut No Panties says. She sits up. Unties her halter top as she turns to face Strong Bowling Girl, sitting straight forward on the chair with her legs apart. "Why didn't you just say?"

"Say?" Strong Bowling Girl says.

"There are dental dams in the end table," Tall Slut No Panties says. "Also condoms, the black dildo, the red dildo, a strap on--unfortunately broken, don't ask--and one of those tins of cinnamon breath mints you like."

Strong Bowling Girl smiles. She takes the bottle of House Red from Tall Slut No Panties's hand and unscrews the top, tossing it to the ground. She lifts the bottle to her mouth--

"That isn't sexy, you know," Tall Slut No Panties says.

\--and takes a long swallow. Coughs. Coughs some more. Places the bottle on the ground and pulls herself to her feet. Tall Slut No Panties looks at her dubiously from under her bangs. Strong Bowling Girl climbs onto the chair, legs on either side of Tall Slut No Panties's knees, tilting her head down so her mouth brushes against Tall Slut No Panties's ear.

"That safe sex preparedness thing really does it for me," she says. 

"I'll do it for you," Tall Slut No Panties says. Strong Bowlling Girl pushes her against the back of the chair, one hand next to her head and the other on her neck, and kisses her hard enough to bruise.

*

**After the tiger fell asleep :**

They grind up against each other, drunkenly groping as one song bleeds into another. Everyone in the club wants to be them. Everyone in the club wants to do them. The tiger snores, and Strong Bowling Girl Talks A Lot narrates as she slides her hand up the hem of Tall Slut No Panties's dress.


End file.
